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At present, politics, at home and abroad, is so gloriously bad it’s Oscar-worthy entertainment. A small bit akin to the first ten years of the Irish soap opera, Fair City. One is glued to the shenanigans not in hope, but rather, in a kind of morbid fascination. To observe if Bela Doyle might be pulled out of a closet and installed as the next minister for Finance.
The mass implosion of the Fine Gael party is a case in point. On the one hand, and in the real world, every single elected Fine Gael representative seems to be stampeding off the Fine Gael Titanic in search of a life jacket and coveted seat aboard one of the pensioned and state guaranteed life-boats. Yet, on the other hand, in the mainstream media and Simon\Simone Harris constructed world, Fine Gael might well be on the cusp of taking control of the known universe. And possibly some universes we don’t even know about yet.
While, most political parties might get a little perturbed if every fifteen seconds one of its members announced they’d rather shoot themselves in the balls than have them surgically removed - not the fearless woke warriors of the Fine Gael party.
No Siree…..
Even as I relax here typing the sitting MEP for Midlands - Northwest, Colm Markey, has just notified - nobody in particular - that he’s quietly slipping off to top up on the old sun-tan and not flying into the white heat of an election polling booth near you, any time soon; and face hell’s fire and damnation from the voting public.
Markey’s announcement brings to 13 the number of MEP/Dáil representatives from the FG party not seeking re-election. Over 33% of the party and counting. A sign the non-wokes are not hanging around to be held accountable for the destruction they’ve wrought on Ireland over the last four years. So, instead, are jumping off the FG trans-surgery table with balls and vajayjays mostly intact. Or so they hope and pray.
Meanwhile, back at the Fine Gael HQ trans-ranch, the non-binary horsey merry-go-round continues zipping round, loop after loop, faster and faster. The wokes will soon be in full control of the party. Media and FG special advisers can barely contain their glee. Ecstasy awaits as an endless wave of hypnotic trance music pumps out onto the political dance-floor. Incidentally, the acronym for the word “ special adviser “ is SPAD. So, we must pause for a break in this news transmission to create a new word and launch it into the English language.
Spadstic - adjective
A person(s) who sells their country down the toilet for cash, privilege, or ideology.
So, the spadstic class are over the moon at the thoughts of Simon\Simone Harris assuming the wheel of the good ship Ireland in the weeks ahead. But, first, they must make him seem a little more butch than butcherine. In addition, zero people in the Irish press are allowed to point out that by the May Bank Holiday weekend Simon\Simone Harris will be the leader of a party that has entirely evaporated.
Literally.
So, the Irish Times have been working feverishly away to fulfil this spadtastic ( another new word ) mandate and exclusively revealed the following, today, about Harris the Grey.
“ A colleague has said of him “he’s cute, crafty and very shrewd. He’s got the skills you need to dance at the highest levels of politics and he can dance to any tune you play “
Catch all that?
Good, now close your eyes and listen for the splash.
As another FG county councillor belly-flops off the FG ship into the north Atlantic ocean. Now, obviously, the Irish Times omitted to relate to its spadtastic audience that Simon\Simone’s musical tastes do not extend to a love for traditional Irish ceili. But, yes, I’d have to agree that Simon\Simone and Fine Gael do rhythmically swivel their hips quite seductively to the tune of any US or EU global hit that waltzes their way.
Hugh O’Connell, deputy political editor at the Irish and Sunday Independent, informs us of the following about Simon\Simone via his Twitter feed:
“ The similarities between Leo Varadkar and Simon Harris - both in personality traits are striking. Plus how Harris struck first to see off any potential rivals “
Gripping fiction at best. Pistols drawn at midnight to see off the wily ambitions of ehhhh…Heather Humphreys. I gather we’re supposed to choose between Simon the Brave or Simone the Warrior Princess. Take your pick, dear reader.
O’Connell also mentions “Rivals”
I hate to break it to him but you’d need to be in possession of a political party jam-packed with people to see off “rivals”. But, Fine Gael is a coffin ship. Now, while your absorbing all of that award winning journalistic output let’s take a short interlude for some dirty pictures.
See Below.
Curiously, one of Simon\Simone Harris’ first questions and returned answers, after his candidacy announcement was on a bizarre subject. Indeed, his response was championed in bright neon lights by the O’Connell edited Irish Independent. The question was on a forgotten, voter-rejected FG politician. So, enter stage right…
One Kate O’Connell. Ringing any bells?
No?
Well, sit back then and allow me to give you some edited highlights.
O’Connell, is a former Fine Gael TD who lost her seat at the last general election. Now, would you believe it, but didn’t Harris the Grey inform the Hugh O’Connell edited Irish Independent, that Kate O’Connell would be invited to return to the Fine Gael fold. Apparently, this woman is the solution to all of our existential problems as a people. The nation duly yawned in half-sleep at the news. A politician no-one remembers jumping back onto a political ship emptying faster and more mysteriously than the Marie Celeste. But, but, but……….the Irish Independent seem think this is a question any potential new leader of Fine Gael and Taoiseach of the country should be grilled on before rubber-stamping their approval. Hmmmmm.
In other unrelated news, there was a Fine Gael politician in 2020 called Kate O’Connell who was the sister-in-law of some lad called Hugh O’Connell, a writer for the Irish and Sunday Independent. She too was a Fine Gael TD who lost her seat in the 2020 election. And possibly lost it from the same constituency and double bed as the new and improved 2024 Kate O’Connell.
Kate O'Connell apparently also employed Hugh O'Connell's wife (her own sister) as her parliamentary assistant back in the day when we thought Ireland was infested merely with old fashioned political corruption. Thankfully, though, both Kate and Hugh, no longer identify with their 2020 incarnations. So, we need not worry about any favouritism in the press towards her in 2024.
Back in 2018 O’Connell became momentarily famous for reading out an “ expert opinion” intimating that there was no real empirical evidence supporting the idea of abortion regret. In contrast, Harris likes to occasionally refer to himself as pro-life. Anyway, they or you need not worry too much about a potential fight. Harris clarified his position by stating he’s vigorously pro-life but not against the idea of terminating pregnancies. He went on to finish his briefing by re-assuring the assembled press that most of Fine Gael would be dismantled by the June Bank Holiday weekend, leaving only himself to contend with in future.
This news almost raised an eyebrow in the press corps.
Until, he delivered his shocking new manifesto promise which explained the reason he’s so cool, calm and collected about taking the reins of a political party that no longer actually exists - outside of his own Tik-Tok account.
Simon\Simone has a solution to all of Fine Gael and Ireland’s woes.
In a statement given exclusively to The West’s Awake, I can reveal Simon\Simone Harris is going to change his pronouns on Monday morning. He will become they. She will become they too. Simon\Simone will cease to function. Who needs other politicians when one hero can become an ocean of different identities, personalities and people all at once.
Welcome to a new Ireland of Simons\Simons and the Spadstics.
Donate to my work via the Buy Me A Coffee links or Revolut.
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My feed gave me a Matt Cooper and Ivan Yates lov in yesterday. It was like watching a rerun of a 1970s Hall's Pictorial Weekly.
It seems parallel universes do exist.
Brilliant stuff, Gerry.
Gerry, this piece is excellent,SPADISTIC fantastic and you slipped in another new term O CONNELISM, .MAITH AN FEAR GEROID.