Countess Urslovia's "Animal Farm" State of the Union address

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When Countess Urslovia von der Crazy stepped out to give her State of the “Animal Farm “ Union address yesterday she was decked out in the gorgeous bright colours of the new European super-state. Unfortunately, a camera crew was not on hand to capture the perfect moment when the regime’s most preferred work-horse, Elenskyy, carried Urslovia onto the podium bare-back.

It was noted by many of the farm’s preferred animals present, indeed muttered by a few, that the most scarce resource in all of the union, as a result of this war in the east, was not oil, gas, electricity or wheat but actually the dearth of decent camera crews to capture these perfect unifying farm moments.

Countess Urslovia was quickly into her stride as she calmly started reciting the script handed to her by a friendly official from the US Department of Meddling in Other People’s States. Fortunately, the number of magnificent successes enjoyed by the House of Oink in the last twelve months have been legion. There was much to celebrate indeed.

Fifteen years ago, during the financial crisis, it took us years to find lasting solutions.

A decade later, when the global pandemic hit, it took us only weeks.

But this year, as soon as Russian troops crossed the border into Ukraine, our response was united, determined and immediate.

And we should be proud of that.

We have brought Europe's inner strength back to the surface.

For the good of the overall farm the unelected Countess elected not to mention that the pandemic decisions that took mere weeks to initiate will require generations to recover from and will be paid for thru trillions of hours of work-horse labour and mental anguish. Mere details rightly left on the cutting room floor I think you’ll agree. Instead, the crowd rose in unison and vigorously applauded so as to keep themselves warm. The huge noise of this spontaneous and sonorous response caused lights to flicker and heating systems to pack in all over Europe.

Thankfully, and again, the US Department of Meddling in Other People’s States were on hand to distribute cold war donkey jackets to ward off the cold of the approaching winter. The pockets stuffed with helpful information leaflets, in two dozen different languages, on how best to destroy the European economy, European cohesion with directions to the nearest NATO controlled soup kitchen. Nevertheless, Countess Urslovia continued unabashed by the din or the meaning of these pamphlets floating thru the arena air like confetti at a wedding and gathering dust around her ankles.

But dependency on Russian fossil fuels comes at a much higher price.

We have to get rid of this dependency all over Europe.

Therefore we agreed on joint storage. We are at 84% now: we are overshooting our target.

But unfortunately that will not be enough.

Last year, Russian gas accounted for 40% of our gas imports. Today it's down to 9% pipeline gas.

It was considered impolite and unrelated to mention that ArcelorMittal ,the world's second-largest steelmaker, announced it was switching off one of two furnaces at its steelworks in the German city of Bremen until further notice from the end of September. Citing the soaring cost of gas, weak market demand and a negative economic outlook. It will in addition shutdown the direct reduction plant at its Hamburg steel factory from the fourth quarter of this year, while keeping workers on shorter hours at both sites. Steel isn’t important to make things as everyone knows.

Indeed, many prominent social media algorithms in attendance at yesterday’s State of the Union rightly concluded that ArcelorMittal are conspiracy theorists. And probably racist against vegetable oils too. It is clearly obvious that business closures and soaring energy prices are unconnected to the current excellent decisions of the Countess of crazy and the society of magical thinkers residing in Brussel sprouts.

Yet another standing ovation erupted from the society of sheep and Clydesdale ponies as Urslovia, marched unelected and Napoleon-like into the guts of her prepared remarks. Who could argue at how eloquently and transparently she spoke for the heretofore marginalized members of the European collective farm. As she passionately pleaded for any delusional insects, reptiles and wretched animals of Europe to join her singular vision of a genetically modified, environmentally friendly, and reality bending expansion of totalitarian ideology.

In addition the climate crisis is heavily weighing on our bills. Heat waves have boosted electricity demand. Droughts shut down hydro and nuclear plants.

And this nugget……

We have diversified away from Russia to reliable suppliers. US, Norway, Algeria and others.

Heads in the crowd turned in unison as one deranged lunatic in attendance pointed out that Freedom House, a US NGO, that conducts research & advocacy on democracy, political freedom, and human rights have noted that Algeria, the EU’s newest energy ally, has not been free since 1972. Except for a brief period in 1989 when it was partly free. Mercifully, Algeria fought to regain control and re-established its total unfreedom again by the end of 1991.

The Algerian Family Code of 1984, which according to Amnesty International:

"imposed many serious limitations on women's rights, including the right to equality before the law and the right of self-determination"

was thought not to be relevant to the energy crisis in Europe or the economic war with Russia. Fortunately members of the European Farm collective are neither men nor women but actually now re-categorized as animals. As a result alliances with countries like Algeria can now be entertained and in fact should be enthusiastically celebrated.

While the invited sheep delegates digested all of the good news emissions gushing forth from Countess Von Der Crazy, an elderly woman dressed in a short black skirt, knee high boots, a diamond studded dog collar, and red & black painted nails rose to speak. Klausina Schwabanova from the World Economic Farm in Davos proposed a short minute’s silence to honor the memory of the patron saint of reliable energy and efficient citizen control - Saddam Hussein. A deathly and reverential hush enveloped the masses.

Finally, just when many thought the soaring rhetoric could not hit more elevated heights, the State of the European Union farm address and the Countess’s words scaled even higher.

I want our Union to take example from its people. Reducing demand during peak hours will make supply last longer, and it will bring prices down. 

This is why we are putting forward measures for Member States to reduce their overall electricity consumption.

Initially, many mistook the statement to mean an introduction of electricity rationing over the coming winter months. Fortunately, once again, the US Department of Meddling in Other People’s States officials were on hand to dispel any misunderstandings by quoting directly from the reclassified, and now totally non-fictional and non-allegorical, Holy Bible of the New World Order. Animal Farm.

“This electricity reduction is strictly voluntary, but any animal who absented himself from it would have his electricity reduced by half ”

And still the peasants insist freedom is dead.

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